It's Larry!

[Tribe]

The news just came in that Larry Birkhead, and not Daniel Stern, is the father of Anna Nicole's child. It's shit like that that brings a tear to my eye.... Anna Nicole probably interrupted her lap dance for Satan to cheer when she heard the news.

On the other hand, I was thinking that Dannielynn may have been the fruit of Barbaro's loins.

[norby]

Please God let this mean that Anna and her entourage will now be moved to the back pages where they belong.

[Patricia Abbott]

Sorry for this, but who is Lary Birkhead? Never mind, I'll google him.

[Anne Frasier]

what a shitfest. and i love me some shitfest.

[Tribe]

I'm also glad because I could've rightfully claimed paternity of Dannielynn...I have enough kids to support.

[Merrill Young]

You'd have to search pretty far afield to find someone who cares less than I.
Enough already! Let the poor, sad woman rest in peace.

[Steven Torres]

I feel sorry for the kid. Maybe that goes without saying. Still, can you imagine? Larry Birkhead is the winner. What the hell kind of contest was that?

[p. b. smith]

A local TV station just canceled ALL their reporters' scheduled April trips that had been intended to look into serious investigative news topics for the May sweeps. Wanna know why? So that their tabloid-obsessed boss could send her pet non-reporter to The Bahamas to be there LIVE!!! to breathlessly reveal the results of the paternity case. They kept bragging they were the ONLY local station to have a reporter LIVE!!! in The Bahamas, utterly failing to realize that the other three stations, which air their news an hour later and which have won an impressive assortment of Murrow awards and Emmys, decided NOT to waste resources on a non-story the tabloids were all over anyway. They actually aired some real news instead.

I almost dropped my teeth when I saw the lead on the news last night and they kept pumping it relentlessly throughout the evening's programming...first, my guilty sometime pleasure, American Idol, and then my not-so-guilty must-watch show, House. Naturally they opened the news with the non-reporter pet gal standing in front of a pitch black courthouse LIVE!!! darkly hinting that little Dannielynn's custody was still up in the air. Then they said Larry Birkhead would probably never get to take his daughter home when all the national news outlets reported he WOULD get the baby and Anna's "companion," Howard Stern, wouldn't fight him for custody.

Ugh. I channel-hopped for a few minutes then went back, hoping to catch the weather and get to bed early, but there was another breathless interview, this one LIVE!!! with Virgie Arthur, the slatternly Mom who made Anna what she was. The intro once again alleged dramatically that Birkhead would never get the baby, a statement supported by nothing they aired; in fact, custody was never even mentioned in the interview which was embarrassing beyond belief. Virgie batted her eyes and looked straight into the camera and spent the entire bloated FIVE MINUTES speaking non-stop about what a good mother she was and how much she loved the baby and complaining about what a beast Howard Stern was. The non-reporter did get one off good question. She asked how much time Virgie had actually spent with the baby. Answer: 15 supervised, court-ordered minutes.

What baffled me most about this sad story was all the men hurrying to jump on the paternity bandwagon. Tribe, I am so proud of you for keeping your mouth (if not your zipper) shut. ;-) And as for that crack about Barbaro, well, you know he had a hurt foot...Oh wait! He also had that sling thingie. Never mind.

Wait again! It's not about the baby at all! It's about the kabillions of dollars everyone seems to think the baby is going to prise out of the cold, dead fingers of the Marshall family. Hmm...back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Pat