The name's Fluffykins. And don't even THINK about smirking. The last one to laugh at my name was a mangy tomcat from Yonkers who's now meowing soprano on Broadway in the chorus of Cats. Just because I travel around in my owner's oversized handbag and wear a little bow in my fur, doesn't make me a pussy you know. I have a good life - my human buys me all the choicest cuts of meat, the finest salmon. You know that saying - The cat who got the cream� - Well, that's me.… Continue

How

to tell what sort of book you're reading by its bedroom scenes.

ROMANCE

There was a knock on the door of my hotel room. I knew who this wouldbe. My heart started beating fast like a baby sparrow fluttering in my ribcage. I fluffed up my hair, touched up my lipstick, adjusted my heaving breasts and opened the door. Tarquin…

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On the forum there has been a discussion of prequels, showing the backstory of characters, so I thought I would post a couple of tales of Philip Marlowe and Agatha Christie as children. So here goes:



Agatha Christie - Ten Little Exam Cheats:



Jane Marple pursed her lips as she read the school noticeboard. The

exam results for her class had been posted and there was something

decidedly strange about them. How had Arthur Creep managed to get an A

in Woodwork… Continue

Daniel Hatadi climbed the last flight of stairs and paused at the

office door. He'd heard that this guy was supposed to be shit hot as a

PI, but the unprepossessing building, the dingy stairway, the battered

door that looked as though it had been kicked by a herd of angry

buffalo, and the all pervading aroma of cheap whisky, cheap cigars and

even cheaper women made him wonder if his source had been mistaken.





He turned the handle and entered the… Continue

Well, I thought I would dig out some old stuff I did featuring some

unlikely PIs. Today, the Stone Age PI and the Alien PI. Tomorrow, the

cat PI.



STONE, PI



Being a PI in 2010BC really sucked. Of course, we didn't call it

2010BC - we called it The Year The Woolly Mammoth Ate My Brother.

Things were slow at Stone investigations. That's me - Stone - so called

because when I was born, a Stone was the first thing I grasped. It

coulda been… Continue

There is a wonderful array of crime fiction out there and it seems

there are noir fans and cozy fans and never the twain shall meet.

But how difficult would it be to turn a noir tale into a cozy, or vice

versa? Well, how about writing 12 different versions to ensure your new

novel appeals to the widest range of readers? Here are some handy hints.



A noir book is one that ends with all the characters dying/going to

prison/becoming alcoholics/betraying each… Continue

U is for Umberto who was caught Unawares

With his trousers Unzipped at the foot of the stairs,

By Ursula who took Umbrage at the Unwitting fella

And stabbed him in the Umbilicus with her pointed Umbrella



V is for Victor - Veterinary surgeon from Venice

Who practiced on humans - the Villainous menace.

When Virile Vince Visited expecting a swift appendectomy

That Vagabond Vic gave Vince a Vasectomy.

Poor Vince…

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N is for Norman, from Loch Ness, a Ned

With a Nylon clad body, and empty space in his head,

Fell out of a window while escaping detection,

Not murder, just Darwinian Natural selection.



O is for Oswald - Optometrist from Oklahoma

Who was found in his Office…

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H is for Harold, who disliked Hankypanky

When his wife said `yes please', he replied `Oh, no thank `ee'

When shot with a Harpoon he died in the Hydrangeas

And his wife laid the blame on a party of strangers.



I is for Idris, travelling through Indonesia

When he started to suffer strange bouts of amnesia

And pains he assumed a bug of the Intestinal persuasion,

But which turned out to be Invading alien… Continue

This rather silly poem was going to appear in an anthology that is, alas, sadly no more, so I thought I would just post it here in parts. It doesn't rhyme, it doesn't scan, it doesn't have any artistic merit, but by 'eck, it was fun to write.

The A-Z Killing Spree



A is for Alfie, whose life was Abridged,

When pickled in Aspic and stuffed in the fridge.

Slain by the Accountant at his old…

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Well, obviously, it's not ACTUALLY the lovely Sunshine himself. For starters, I don't think Mrs Sunshine would approve and besides...would you REALLY want to wake up each morning and find him there with you? You might find yourself preferring the horse's head (I'm tempted to add "rather than the horse's arse", but I shall restrain myself).

No, this is an altogether different offer. Waterstones bookshop in the UK has an unbelievable bargain on at the moment where they are offering…

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Now that Daniel has helped this technical numpty with how to upload videos, I have decided that every couple of days I will update a couple of videos from some of my favourite Scottish artists (and some other lesser known favourites. So far...punk band The Skids' INTO THE VALLEY from 1979, new Dundee Band The View with Superstar Tradesman, Jesus and Mary Chain's APRIL SKIES from 1987 and all girl Glaswegian rock band The Hedrons with HEATSEEKER.

And, as a special for today, a band who…

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It was a lovely sunny Saturday afternoon, so I decided to go into the

city centre to buy a new pair of sandals. Yes, I know the World Shoe

Mountain currently resides in my bedroom, but, well, you never can tell

when that rumoured Slingback Shortage is going to occur, so, abiding by

that old Girl Guide motto 'Be Prepared', off I trotted.



For the purposes of this tale, it's actually irrelevant that I was

thrown out of the Girl Guides due to my reliance… Continue