A poke in the eye with a sharp stick
I'm full of cold, I feel like shite, and as a result I'm seriously grumpy. Consequently, perhaps inevitably, my thoughts have turned to those people seriously deserving of a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.
First up, the knuckle-dragging, bog-eyed, rancid little bag of shite who somehow got his hands on my husband's debit card details and cleaned his bank account out just after pay day in the month we plan to have a little bit of a holiday. What a twat! The things I wish on that crittur may start with a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, but they sure as hell don't end there. Yes, we'll get the dosh back eventually - but I'm still pissed off about it!
While we're on the subject, let's add in the freak who did the same thing to Stuart MacBride's credit card, and indeed all thieving piss-weasels who help themselves to stuff that doesn't belong to them. And I'm not talking about the odd pen or paper-clip from work here, it's the vagabonds and cutpurses I'm after.
Then there's anyone - indeed everyone - responsible for earworms. We could start with Rihanna, perhaps deviating slightly to poke her in the eye with that sodding umbrella. (Or is that um-ber-ella. Fuck's sake!) We could then rampage hapily through boy bands and girl bands, and boy-girl bands, and anything even remotely related to Eurovision.
Next up: adverts. The Geordie tart on the Picture advert is begging for it. So is the blonde bint on the L'Oreal Elvive (?) ad who simpers for the camera and ends with a little rhyme. Between them, they'll get women done away with! Add 'Just for Men' and that appalling ad for men's moisturiser and the Eye Infirmary will be busy tonight. Now, don't get me wrong - I have no problem with men dying their hair or using moisturiser. I do both and I'd have to be a special kind of hypocrite to object to anyone else doing the same. It's the tone of those ads that gets me - let's try and get men as badly screwed up over their appearance as women are! It's working, too. Noel tells me that of the kids he teaches, the boys are more obsessed with their hair than the girls. Forget lines and detention - he just messes their hair up if they misbehave! (Of course one of these days, he'll probably end up accused of god kjnows what. Happened to a colleague of his. Kid did it for a laugh before going on a family holiday, then nearly cacked himself when the police came round within an hour of the family's return. In the meantime, the accused had been left in limbo. No-one would tell him exactly what he'd been accused of, he was suspended from work, and he was on supply, so his income was removed overnight. The last I heard, he still hadn't gone back to teaching. The kid admitted he'd made everything up to pay his teacher back for telling him off, but mud sticks. Tell you what - let's do that little sod with my sharp stick while we're on.)
Happily, there are people who absolutely don't deserve such dog's abuse. Mark Lanegan, Isobel Campbell and their band spring to mind for starters. Went to see them at the Sage on Saturday night with my mate Lee (who also doesn't deserve the sharp stick treatment). They were superb, and I came away with a deep feeling of respect for Isobel Campbell: she can write songs, sing, play guitar, keyboards and cello, along with a host of percussion instruments - and she played the bloody Stylophone as well! And whistled! In tune!
And now, if you don't mind, I'm going for a lie down. I'm all tuckered out after that explosion of spleen. But at least I ended on a happy thought. Aaaah!
First up, the knuckle-dragging, bog-eyed, rancid little bag of shite who somehow got his hands on my husband's debit card details and cleaned his bank account out just after pay day in the month we plan to have a little bit of a holiday. What a twat! The things I wish on that crittur may start with a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, but they sure as hell don't end there. Yes, we'll get the dosh back eventually - but I'm still pissed off about it!
While we're on the subject, let's add in the freak who did the same thing to Stuart MacBride's credit card, and indeed all thieving piss-weasels who help themselves to stuff that doesn't belong to them. And I'm not talking about the odd pen or paper-clip from work here, it's the vagabonds and cutpurses I'm after.
Then there's anyone - indeed everyone - responsible for earworms. We could start with Rihanna, perhaps deviating slightly to poke her in the eye with that sodding umbrella. (Or is that um-ber-ella. Fuck's sake!) We could then rampage hapily through boy bands and girl bands, and boy-girl bands, and anything even remotely related to Eurovision.
Next up: adverts. The Geordie tart on the Picture advert is begging for it. So is the blonde bint on the L'Oreal Elvive (?) ad who simpers for the camera and ends with a little rhyme. Between them, they'll get women done away with! Add 'Just for Men' and that appalling ad for men's moisturiser and the Eye Infirmary will be busy tonight. Now, don't get me wrong - I have no problem with men dying their hair or using moisturiser. I do both and I'd have to be a special kind of hypocrite to object to anyone else doing the same. It's the tone of those ads that gets me - let's try and get men as badly screwed up over their appearance as women are! It's working, too. Noel tells me that of the kids he teaches, the boys are more obsessed with their hair than the girls. Forget lines and detention - he just messes their hair up if they misbehave! (Of course one of these days, he'll probably end up accused of god kjnows what. Happened to a colleague of his. Kid did it for a laugh before going on a family holiday, then nearly cacked himself when the police came round within an hour of the family's return. In the meantime, the accused had been left in limbo. No-one would tell him exactly what he'd been accused of, he was suspended from work, and he was on supply, so his income was removed overnight. The last I heard, he still hadn't gone back to teaching. The kid admitted he'd made everything up to pay his teacher back for telling him off, but mud sticks. Tell you what - let's do that little sod with my sharp stick while we're on.)
Happily, there are people who absolutely don't deserve such dog's abuse. Mark Lanegan, Isobel Campbell and their band spring to mind for starters. Went to see them at the Sage on Saturday night with my mate Lee (who also doesn't deserve the sharp stick treatment). They were superb, and I came away with a deep feeling of respect for Isobel Campbell: she can write songs, sing, play guitar, keyboards and cello, along with a host of percussion instruments - and she played the bloody Stylophone as well! And whistled! In tune!
And now, if you don't mind, I'm going for a lie down. I'm all tuckered out after that explosion of spleen. But at least I ended on a happy thought. Aaaah!
Comment
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Comment by carole gill on August 21, 2007 at 7:36am - the little sob. disgusting! i feel for you, believe me.
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Comment by Julie Lewthwaite on July 31, 2007 at 8:40am -
Oh yeah - BARRY SCOTT! We could do with a kid with a Saturday night special - Bang and the git is gone! And yes to Sheila's wheels - and Diamond! Can you imagine the outcry if there were a couple of insurance companies that boasted about having special rates just for men! (We might have bigger crashes - but we can park our cars! Fuck you Sheila - this is Bruce's Big Bang Bonanza!)
Sorry to hear about your brother. Something in the air just now, eh. Eurovision - do you have friends round, with themed food and score cards for the guests? Or is it only my mate Julia who does that... Reality TV, though. Oh, how I hate it! Sharpen the stick and dip it in chili sauce.
And yeah, Ramblin Man was part of the four-number encore. Mint! (And Donna - he was edible. Big work boots, scruffy jeans, t-shirt and shirt. All black. Then there were the hooded eyes, the cheekbones, and that voice... mm hmm! Mind you, Isobel Campbell was no slouch. She had a Brigitte Bardot thing going on and was wearing the most beautiful forties-style dress. Lovely!)
Will email properly tomorrow. I am determined that I will be feeling much better by then (basically because I'm so damn bored with being ill!) And yes, will see you in Glasgow at some time... let you know soon as I do just what's going on.
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Comment by Donna Moore on July 31, 2007 at 8:10am
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Oh I'm so with you on the Picture It woman. "Really? That's a lot less than we're paying now" Yes you stupid cow - but for the next 150 years. I can't think of the other adverts because I tend to tune out. But I want to add the Cillit Bang shouty bastard, the annoying Sheila's Wheels bints, and the Southern Comfort adverts. SoCo my arse.
Apart from adverts, the scumbag who has stolen my brother's mobile phone, his DVD player, numerous other things and who nobody seems to be able to do anything about (until I can get my hands on him).
The Big Brother freakshow, but don't you touch my Eurovision, lady :o)
Ah...Mark Lanegan and Isobel Campbell...wonderful stuff. Did they do Ramblin Man?
I hope Noel's card gets sorted out before your holiday. If you get a chance come through to Glasgow and I'll treat you!
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