I'm Taking Over, and It's For Your Own Good

I've tried to avoid it, but the time has come. Someone needs to step in and save us from ourselves, and apparently no one else is willing. The political candidates can only natter on about the economy and war overseas, but what about the things that are really messing up America?

Cell phones: I decree that there will be two types and only two. One has everything on it from GPS navigation to motion picture capability, FX included. The other will simply make phone calls. It will have 10 numbers, "send" and "end" commands only. If you want to redial, redial. If you need to start over, turn it off and start over. Who the hell knows what "Flash" means anyway?

Television remotes: every device relating to TV will be required to operate on a single remote. It will be large enough so that you can actually see what the buttons say (even after 50) and by law there will be no functions included that were devised by Li and Najib and can only be understood by their ilk. One button on the remote must bring up a screen that tells you clearly where you should go next, something like, "Oops, you've pressed a button that commits you to three months of pay-per-view porn. You don't want to be here, so press BACK now."

Credit card readers: Every machine in every store must be set up the same way, so you don't stand like an idiot staring at the little diagram and trying different ways to insert your card. There will be no YES and NO questions about whether the store was clearn and bright, just a place to sign your name and get out of the way of the eleven people behind you who wish you would.

Gas pumps: These must all operate uniformly. As soon as you get out of your car, there should be a flashing arrow that directs you to the instructions. Once you've chosen how you will pay and what kind of fuel you need, there may be no other questions. If you want a car wash, you can drive around to the car wash and ask for one. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES will the person inside the building be allowed to give instructions over the loudspeaker that make you look like a moron. NOTE: if for some reason the gas pump does not work on a given day, it must be covered in a large, brightly colored sheet so that no driver pulls up and gets out only to find a teensy little "Out of Service" tag.

I'm not done, but this is a start. I'll let you know when the world accepts my terms, and I'm sure you'll agree, we'll all be much better off.

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Comment by Peg Herring on July 31, 2008 at 5:38am
Will you take D of Defense, too? and NASA? No more overpriced hammers and toilet seats, no hundred-thousand-dollar shipping charges.
Comment by Peg Herring on July 30, 2008 at 9:38pm
Oh, that's a good one! I'm going to need help-want to be in the Cabinet?

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