How to Write the Great American Leaflet:
1. Stare at a blank screen for forty-minutes.
2. Place fingers over the keys, poised and ready for when inspiration strikes.
3. Check the internet for mail.
4. Get serious about writing and return to your still blank screen.
5. Take a phone call.
6. Grab a bite since you forgot and skipped dinner, then check Facebook.
7. Return to your still blinking cursor, which hasn’t left from the last time you looked at it while waiting for Syd, your muse to strike.
8. Stare at blank screen for another forty-minutes.
9. Type your title since inspiration just hit.
10. Take a break, you have a headache.
11. Get serious and more determined than ever to get this writing done.
12. Wipe the potato chip grease from your fingers and stare dumbly at the blank screen.
13. Refill your 64-ounce Slurpee cup with Vodka.
14. Check for replies to your recent blog post about removing a watering can from a vagina.
15. Pick it up from here in the morning, you’re exhausted; writing is hard work.
Sound like anyone you know? Yeah, me either. While I’ve never been in this position personally, as I’m a most prolific and studious writer, there are some who complain about the blank screen each time they sit
to write their requisite 15 daily words on their novel. Novels are like the
marathon of short-story writing, and they’re just as hard--you don’t want to
start out sprinting. But then again, you don’t have to put in as many training
hours in the hot sun, sweating profusely with the possibility of a nice, juicy
A runner’s diet consists of mostly high-carbohydrate foods the night or two before the race, in an attempt to amp up energy. Plenty of water is the prescribed beverage, with absolutely no sweets or artificial
Equipment for a runner can tend to be expensive, as well. There are top-of-the-line running shoes at an average of $100 per pair, there’s no remind-me-of-pee sports drinks, and then the countless trips to the vintage
stores in trying to line up those cute little red shorts with the white racing
stripe along the edge that everyone but you had for gym class in the 8th grade.
A consistent training routine always spells success for the runner, and this usually includes getting up at the crack of dawn while the air is cool to begin training, whether it be on a distinct track, or a run through
city streets. Then it’s calisthenics and weight training to build endurance.
That pretty much sums up and spells success for a runner.
But not novelists. Novelists, while they do train, do it in a whole other way.
Funyons are the uncontested staple of our diet, sometimes for weeks leading up to the actual writing. And while water is encouraged, a serious writer who knows best, will usually chug down a beer, a margarita and
two glasses of wine, and this is all before dinner. During the actual writing
process, double-malt Scotch is usually favored. Sweets and artificial anything,
including hair, is fair game.
Our equipment consists of a crap-I-need-to-fix-that broken down office chair from the late 80s, bedroom slippers that the dog won’t touch any longer, and footy pajamas with the Star Wars Millennium Falcon ship all
Once we have the proper equipment, then it’s on to establishing a solid routine. This usually begins by getting up at the crack of noon while the air is still smoky from last night’s poker game, then it’s a
healthy dose of “grab the armchair lever” to tilt to a proper
television-viewing position. This builds endurance in the right arm for
writing, but generally wears the writer out so a nap is required after this
Once training is complete, the writer can then concentrate fully on his upcoming masterpiece by following the fully-outlined steps above. I’ve been a published writer for over 10 years, and this system has never
Just don’t try this at home without slackass supervision.
For examples of how well this has worked for me, feel free to check my web-site for links to my current Kindle and Smashwords titles: Zen In the Art of Absurdity (A Collection of comedic short-stories and essays that
will make you want to shove forks through your eyes) and Guns Don’t Kill
People...My Uncle Does (A Collection of short-stories and essays geared for a
man), upcoming releases, announcements, and crap no one cares about:
Index--Carla Ren The Official Site www.carlarene.com
Zen In the Art of Absurdity (Comedic short stories and essays that will make you want to shove forks through your eyes) is now available for download through the links ...
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