Roberts-isms

[James Roberts]

I occassionally blurt out statements without thinking. So I'm compiling a list of my observations, comments and personal sayings along with the meaning (if needed):

1. Roberts Rule #1: How does it affect Jim Roberts? If it doesn't, so what? Meant to defuse discussions about those things which really do nothing more than inflame passions and rile dispute. Frequently used to defuse senseless arguments.

1a. Roberts Rule of Redundancy: When called upon to speak at a public event -- like before your peers or a public setting -- be prepared; have a backup plan to counter technical difficulties you might experience, then have a backup for the backup. During any two randomly offered presentations, you can expect at least once to need one or possibly both backup options.

1b. Roberts Rule of Under-Reported Alcohol Consumption -- Take what the drunk says he drank and the time spent drinking and apply this formula. Multiple the beverages by 3; divide time spent drinking by 3 and multiply that by 2. So, if he says 3 beers over 3 hours, it's actually 9 beers (3 x 3 beverages) consumed over 2 hours (3 hours divided by 3 = 1 x 2). Useful in interpreting how quickly and how much booze your drunk actually swallowed.

1c. Roberts Rule #2 -- No situation is so bad that it can't deteriorate further.

1d. Roberts Rule #3 -- What they're complaining about isn't what they're complaining about. The louder someone is yelling at you about a minor infraction, the more likely there's an underlying issue driving him crazy or an issue over which he or she is impotent.

1e. Roberts Rule #4 -- To estimate how many will attend any given event, take the number offered by the event organizer and divide by 2 in summer months and by 3 in winter.

2. "Like putting horseshoes on a rattlesnake" -- An exercise in futility. If you're not killed trying, what have you accomplished if you actually succeed?

3. "If journalism is the first draft of history, the Internet is the napkin the draft is initially scrawled on." Said to a friend of mine who is, of course, a journalist

4. "Higher than a kite in Denver" -- Particularly giddy or intoxicated.

5. "You may get to St. Louis (from Kansas City) by heading toward the sunrise, but you gotta pull your head out of your a** first." Comment made to one of my brothers about a directions challenged acquaintance.

6. “Like watching an ostrich swallow a pumpkin.” Observing an event or image with a combination of horror and fascination.

7. "You'd have more fun looking for raisins in a sheep pen." Significant only if you know what sheep droppings look like.

8. "Loopier than a paisley shirt" -- Really really really crazy.

[James K. Bashkin]

HI Robert. I was worried that 5 might have been a political comment for a moment... but we transplants to St. Louis can be a little paranoid- most of the State is out to get us. :) I enjoyed your comments and rules!

I just published my first fiction blog post in a while, an author interview with a female thriller writer, Shobhan Bantwal, which can be found here.

Thanks for adding me to your network here. Best wishes, Jim