Page One: Looking For Some Honest Feedback (Rewrite)

A dense fog had rolled in from the river. Amstel Blake ran along 8th street, barefoot, his right hand wrapped tightly around the grips of a .40 caliber Taurus. Not far away, someone was frying bacon.

At the corner of 8th and Jefferson, a Toyota Corolla waited to turn left. Amstel trotted to the passenger’s side, tried the handle first, tapped on the window and shouted, “Open the door. Now.”

The driver, a woman in her mid twenties, didn’t scream for help. She didn’t floor the accelerator, and she didn’t go for her cell phone. She didn’t produce a weapon of her own and blast Amstel’s skull to smithereens. The driver, a petite woman with long blonde hair, froze.

Amstel felt a pulse in his teeth. “I swear to God, lady, I will kill you.”

The lock popped.

Amstel climbed in, aimed the gun at her head. “Drive. Make a U-turn, back toward the interstate. Speed limit.”

The woman missed second gear, finally grinded it home.

“What do you want? Why are you doing this?” Black rivers of mascara trickled down her freckled cheeks. The badge clipped to her scrub top said Sally, the last name blacked out with a strip of surgical tape.

“We’re going to save the world, Sally,” Amstel said. “Just you and me.”

* * *

Well, critters?

A) Better
B) Worse
C) Stop obsessing over the opening and write the damn book
D) Don't quit your day job, you friggin' hack

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JMHO, but why open with fog? Amstel Lake running with a gun is a more compelling opening line. Slip the fog in later.

I also agree with the others who say just write this sucker! Look at your recent contest victory as evidence that these openings get changed and changed and changed, at least in my manuscripts. This is a great story. I'm hooked. Get that first draft in the can.
Thanks, Jack! Sound advice. The story's not about the weather, so why I'm I opening with fog? Might as well say It was a dark and stormy night. :)

Glad to hear the hook is working. Now on with the show!
It was a dark and story night. Now you're talking! That's my favourite line of all time. :o)
Hey Jude!

I'm relatively new here so I didn't read your previous draft, but at a glance I can say that I like your style.

Here's my two cents worth. My comments are in all caps so you can distinguish them from the rest of the writing.:

[ CUT: A dense fog had rolled in from the river.] UNLESS WEATHER IS A FACTOR, JUMP RIGHT IN WITH THE ACTION. Amstel Blake ran along 8th street, barefoot, his right hand wrapped tightly around the grips of a .40 caliber Taurus. [ CUT: Not far away, someone was frying bacon.] DITTO HERE. YOU'VE DRAWN ME IN WITH AMSTEL RUNNING BAREFOOT DOWN THE STREET. I IMMEDIATELY WANT TO KNOW WHY. DON'T MUDDY MY VISUAL WITH THE BACON. ;)

At the corner of 8th and Jefferson, a Toyota Corolla waited to turn left. Amstel [trotted] PERSONNAL PREFERENCE HERE, BUT I NEVER LIKED THE WORD TROTTED. IT MAKES ME THINK THAT HE'S LIMPING OR SOMETHING. THERE'S SURELY A BETTER ACTION WORD LIKE DARTED, DASHED, SHOT. HE'S IN A HURRY, RIGHT? EVERY WORD HAS TO SHOW IT. to the passenger’s side, tried the handle first, [tapped] HOW ABOUT "HAMMERED." IT SEEMS TO GO BETTER WITH "SHOUTED" on the window and shouted, “Open the door. Now.”

The driver, a woman in her mid twenties, didn’t scream for help. She didn’t floor the accelerator, and she didn’t go for her cell phone. She didn’t produce a weapon of her own and blast Amstel’s skull to smithereens. The driver, a petite woman with long blonde hair, froze.

Amstel felt a pulse in his teeth. “I swear to God, lady, I will kill you.” GOOD! I LIKE THIS :)

The lock popped.

Amstel climbed in, aimed the gun at her head. “Drive. Make a U-turn, back toward the interstate. Speed limit.”

The woman missed second gear, finally [grinded] THIS WORD STOPPED ME TOO. NOT SURE WHAT YOU COULD USE IN ITS PLACE THOUGH it home.

“What do you want? Why are you doing this?” [Black rivers of mascara trickled down her freckled cheeks.] ONE PROBLEM I SEE WITH THE BLACK RIVERS IS, THAT IT MAKES ME THINK OF THE OLD SONG "CRY ME A RIVER..." HMM. BUT MORE IMPORTANT, WE NEVER SEE HER CRY. LAST WE'VE READ, SHE JUST FROZE. TRY SOMETHING LIKE: " ... SHE FROZE, YET THE WELLING IN HER EYES TOLD ME ..." The badge clipped to her scrub top said Sally, the last name blacked out with a strip of surgical tape. COOL. IF SHE BLOCKED OUT THE LAST NAME, MAYBE HER FIRST NAME ISN'T SALLY EITHER. *** EVIL GRIN***

“We’re going to save the world, Sally,” Amstel said. “Just you and me.” LOVE THIS LINE!! NOW, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR??? IT'S A "C" JUDE!! GET GOING, I'D LOVE TO READ MORE.
MARTA
Thanks, Marta! Some good ideas you have there.

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