This was something of a hit when I posted it on myspace, so I reprint it here in lieu of anything worthwhile or meaningful. Enjoy.

THE UNCOMFORTABLE SURVEY. (lets see if you can get through it. if not, you’re too scared about your past)

Yeah yeah. . .

-Longest relationship:
13 hours

-Shortest relationship:
7 and a half seconds

-How many boyfriends/girlfriends have told you that they love you?:
All of them. I’ve lost count. Strangers on the street tell me they love me. Bus drivers will pull over a packed Metro in the middle of morning rush hour to tell me they love me. I’m a swell guy.

-Have you ever thought that you were going to marry the person you were with?:
Of course–see question # 2

-Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt?:
A girl smashed me in the head with a Louisville Slugger one time. That hurt pretty bad.

-Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry?:
Yeah, but not my own. Somebody else’s. Not my fault the bitch was dyslexic. What the fuck was she playin’ Scrabble for?!?!

-Are you happier single or in a relationship?
I’m happiest completely alone staring longingly into the abyss. Whilst enjoying an icy cold Yoohoo.

-Have you ever been cheated on?:
If not I should have been.

-What is your favorite thing about the opposite sex?:
Their open purses and conveniently displayed jewelry boxes.

-Have you ever had your heart broken?:
Every day.

-Have you ever broken someone’s heart?:
Heart, windshield, left kneecap. . .not a girlfriend, though. Some guy in the Denny’s parking lot gave me shit. ONCE.

-Talk to any of your exes?:
Have I? Do I? Will I? This question is unclear. So instead I will share a riveting anecdote. One time I had the best sandwich. . .no wait. Nevermind. That wasn’t me.

-If you could go back in time and change things to where you could still be with one of your exes, would you?
Going back in time would disrupt the space-time continuum, thereby rendering all life in the universe nil. None of my high school relationships are worth that!!!!

-Think any of your exes feel the same way?
I hope so! Christ!

-Do you believe that you are a good boyfriend or girlfriend?:
Yes, I do believe that I am a good boyfriend or girlfriend.

-Have you dated people who were not good to you?:
As opposed to. . . ?

-Have you been in an abusive relationship?:
Of course not! That’s ridiculous. Why would you ask such a thing? I’m just clumsy. That’s all. I fell. I fell into a half-open door. Dopey me, so clumsy. Heh heh heh heh.

-Name your most memorable ex:
I used to date Chakka Khan. I don’t think she remembers me, though, so don’t ask her.

-Have you dated someone older then you?:
[Insert awful “nursing home” joke here]

[Insert considerably more awful “day care” joke here, and let’s never speak of it again.]

-Do you regret anything that you have done with a boyfriend or girlfriend?:
I regret EVERYTHING. Everything I’ve ever done ever. Everything.

-Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?:
Sure, but tell that Judge “Perfect” of the Second District Court!

-Believe in love at first sight?:
No, but I am a firm believer in the drunk n’ lonely hookup. Sweet, sweet regret. . .

-Ever dated two people at once?:
I’ve been on a date with two people at the same time (that’s actually not a joke)

-Ever been given an Engagement ring?:
It might have been an engagement ring. A guy ran up to me one time sweaty and panting, and said, “Here! Hold this!” Then he shoved a small package in my pocket and ran off. I hawked it for Mini-Thins and some Funyuns.

-Do you want to get married?
I don’t really know you.

-Do you have something to say to any of your exes?:
I have something to say to all of my exes–
“The black dog runs at night. Tiddle fah fah.”
They know what it means.

-Ever stolen someone’s boyfriend or girlfriend?:

-Ever liked someone else’s boyfriend or girlfriend?:
Strangely enough, no.

-Does heartbreak really feel as bad as it sounds?:
Yeah, but it’s still a helluva lot better than pelvisbreak.

Repost as Uncomfortable Survey

Don’t tell me what to do.

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