THE ULTIMATE REALITY MAKEOVER SHOW: DEMOCRATIC EYE FOR THE MUSLIM GUY

[Rob Loughran]

THE ULTIMATE REALITY MAKEOVER SHOW:

DEMOCRATIC EYE FOR THE MUSLIM GUY

by

ROB LOUGHRAN

EXT—DAY—THE ARABIAN PENINSULA

Oil derricks in the background. The Gulf of Arabia glimmers. Houses ring the nearest harbor. Two F-16’s scream across the sky. George W. Bush stands in the foreground with a microphone:

DUBYA

We’ve got it: Freedom, Democracy, Convenience Stores. They want it; they just don’t know they want it. (points at the nearest house) Come with me.

INT—DAY—A WELL APPOINTED HOUSE

Dubya is sitting with a cup of tea, facing AHKMED BALOU, who is blowing on his tea. Dubya gulps his tiny cup and sputters:

DUBYA

Damn that’s hot! Why didn’t you tell me it was so hot?

AHKMED

My friend, it is tea.

DUBYA

Do you have any Popsicles?

AHKMED

No.

DUBYA

I love Popsicles. Especially the swirly ones—red, white, and blue—cuz it gets hot down on the ranch and—

AHKMED

Why exactly have you invited yourself inside my home?

DUBYA

A political makeover.

AHKMED

What?

DUBYA

Lemme start by asking you a question.

AHKMED

Please.

DUBYA

So, what is it, exactly, that you Arab fellers have against Democracy and Freedom?

AHKMED

Nothing.

DUBYA

Huh?

AHKMED

I have absolutely nothing against either freedom or democracy.

DUBYA

Then why do you keep your people enslaved?

AHKMED

I don’t enslave. I teach Philosophy at the University in Riyadh. I’m an educator, actually. I matriculated—

DUBYA

I knew it!

AHKMED

—at UC Berkley and received my Doctorate from the Sorbonne.

DUBYA

Sore what?

AHKMED

The Sorbonne. In Paris

DUBYA (confused)

So, what is it exactly that you Arab fellers have against Democracy and Freedom?

AHKMED

It’s the convenience stores, actually, that we object to.

DUBYA

Well that’s funny, cuz back home all you fellers own ‘em. I like the ones that have them wienies in the hot box by the cash register—

AHKMED

I was joking, my friend.

DUBYA (looking around)

Where do yawl keep your guns? I’ve always wanted to pop some soda cans with an AK-47.

AHKMED

I don’t possess any firearms. I’m an Academic.

DUBYA

I had an auntie who was academic. Had to take B-12 shots and iron pills.

AHKMED

That’s anemic.

DUBYA

Thank you.

Now, back to Freedom and Democracy and you Arab fellers. What’s your beef?

AHKMED

There is no beef…or pork.

DUBYA

Huh?

AHKMED

Another joke, my friend. We Arab fellers don’t eat pork.

DUBYA

I couldn’t live without those little pork ribs; mesquite braised? Down on the ranch—

AHKMED

To answer your question—

DUBYA (laughs)

I was making myself hungry.

AHKMED

—there is a fundamental difference between the average Arab and the average American mindset. Take Saudi Arabia—

DUBYA

I’d love to!

AHKMED

Take Saudi Arabia, for example. My country went directly from the Middle Ages to the Modern World. Bluntly, we migrated from a world where the individual is next-to-nothing—service to Allah and the King were everything—to a world where individual freedoms abound. Unlike Western culture which gradually—over several centuries—exited the Middle Ages for the Renaissance, the Age of Reason, the Industrial Revolution, and finally the Modern Age; we Arab fellers did this is in a single generation. The Muslim world did not have a Renaissance like yours where the concept of the “I” as Individual and, hence, Courtly Love evolved. The Westerner was allowed—actually encouraged—to follow your heart and create your own destiny. This put the individual at the forefront. As shown in Tristan and Isolde, personal love and following your bliss is honored above the State and Religion.

DUBYA

I sure love my wife!

AHKMED

Following the rise of the individual it was simply a matter of time until the powers of the monarchy were eliminated and self-rule instituted. But you must understand that the mindset preceded the Democratic urge. For the Arab world to, I believe your phrase was “Embrace Democracy” is as foreign to us as America blindly accepting the Taliban’s tenets.

DUBYA

The Taliban live in tents?

AHKMED (finishes his tea)

An Italian philosopher named Giambattista Vico summed it up thusly: There is a cycle to all civilizations; the Autocratic, the Theocratic, the Democratic, and the Chaotic.

DUBYA

Huh?

AHKMED (counts off on his fingers)

Civilization is ruled first by a King, who has emerged, by necessity, out of chaos. Then Religion predominates. Democracy follows. Then because of the freedoms democracy offers to inherently flawed human beings, civilization devolves back into chaos which necessitates—

DUBYA (perks up)

A king!

AHKMED

And the cycle begins anew. Your Western civilization is on the Democratic/Chaotic cusp while mine is mired in the King/Religion paradigm. The concept of Democracy to the majority of the uneducated Arab world is tantamount to insanity. Our concept of Freedom is being true to our past traditions and serving Allah as best we can. Any questions?

DUBYA

Just one.

AHKMED

Yes?

DUBYA

How come you Arab fellers don’t eat pork?

CREDITS

Written and Produced by Dick Cheney

Directed by Donald Rumsfeld

Associate Producer: Condoleeza Rice

Catered by Colin Powell

Travels arrangements and promotional consideration courtesy of U.S. Taxpayers