It's a question that has dogged humans for centuries: Is Santa Claus real?
Fortunately, the world's crustiest and most profane detective, Maynard Soloman, has "put the pin" on this problem. After an intense encounter at church - some would call it a divine revelation - Maynard has the answer. In fact, he has proof.
It's all outlined in the new short story e-book, Maynard Soloman Proves Santa Claus is Real. If you've ever stopped yourself and honestly wondered, "Is Santa Claus real?" then you need to seriously consider reading this e-book. (You also need to consider getting a job/hobby/significant other.)
Here's a quick excerpt of the evidence:
"Santa Claus distracts kids from celebrating Jesus Christ during this holy holiday. Makes them focus on material items of the flesh. So we forbid Santa Claus in the church," the preacher says.
This Ol' Badger is still confused. Wasn't Santa in the Bible? Had 12 elves follow him around the North Pole? "Let me put the pin on you, Arch Preacher Rodriguez. You think Santa is Satan trying to steer kids to hell during Christmas?" I say.
She says, "You can't spell 'Santa' without 'Satan.' It's no coincidence. They're the same entity."
I never thought of it that way. "So you straight up tell kids Santa isn't real? Don't even give 'em a few years to live in candy cane bliss?" I say.
The preacher nods and taps the cross around her neck. "That's right. All the focus needs to be right here."
My brilliant mind is startin' to connect the dots, see. "So if Satan's greatest trick is convincing humans he doesn't exist, and Satan is Santa Claus, aren't you playing right into Satan's hand by saying Santa doesn't exist? By your math Santa is real," I say.
And to think Mensa rejected my application.
The preacher gnaws this over. She's liking the cut of my jib less and less. "I suppose that's a true statement," she says.
Ladies and gentlemen, you may applaud. Your pal, Maynard Soloman, just proved the existence of Santa Claus. I can die happy knowing I contributed something important to the world.
Still wondering, "Is Santa Claus real?" Didn't think so. With hard logic like this, you can bet Maynard Soloman has even more world-changing revelations.
Click here to get Maynard Soloman Proves Santa Claus is Real from Amazon for 99 cents.
Click here to get Maynard Soloman Proves Santa Claus is Real from Barnes & Noble for 99 cents.
It's also available through other fine e-retailers across the North Pole and beyond.
P.S. Think Maynard got it wrong? Let him know on his facebook page.