Hey all, hopefully you'll see this posting and respond with some feedback which is what I'm looking for. I am my own worse critic, as most of us, and I would like to know what others think of this short scene in the mystery I'm writing. Thanks in advance!!!

Scene from The Last Rose

The October breeze cut through her jeans as Rayann walked to her mailbox with her hands shoved deep in her jacket pockets. Though it was cooler than normal this time of year, the autumn sky was ripe with sunshine, making her smile. She simply loved days like this, always had and always will.

Reaching the mailbox she opened it to find a single brown envelope with no return address. It looked like the packaging you’d get when you ordered some discreet, adult item; plain and boring. Knowing she hadn’t ordered any discreet items of any kind, her interest piqued.

Shutting the mailbox, Rayann admired the crisp, clear writing for just a moment before tearing open the flap and heading back up the drive. Reaching into it, she pulled out a single, folded sheet of paper.

In the same writing as the envelope were words she’d not soon forget, in poetry form. Rayann was one that could appreciate poetry in any form, but not this time. The words haunted her.

“Four roses of color

three people you know

All standing in my way

so sad they had to go.

The last, saved just for you

for my love will never cease

Here I leave a token of myself

as I bid you to rest in peace.”

Choking back a sob that stuck deep in her throat, Rayann read the ominous words again in stunned silence. With a small scream, she twirled around to make sure no one was behind her and then ran the rest of the way to the safety of her house. Once inside, she slammed the door, and threw the dead bolt into place with a loud clunk causing Mr. Jiggles to hiss and run from the couch up the stairs.

Rayann scrambled her way to the kitchen, as her eyes filled with tears to call Mike. Tossing the letter on the countertop like it had burned her, she picked up the phone and punched in the station’s number hoping that Mike was still there.

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Comment by Dawn Marie Morgan-Mercier on October 4, 2010 at 3:32am
Thank you so much.....I knew this one was going to need some fixing, it was a sudden idea that came to me. I appreciate any help I can get with it. I will definitely pick up a copy of the book, I"m going to order it from the library right now. Thank youy!!
Comment by Jack Getze on October 4, 2010 at 1:43am
Rayann walked to her mailbox with her hands shoved deep in her jacket pockets. Though the autumn sky was ripe with sunshine, the air chilled her. She loved days like this.

Reaching the mailbox, she found a single brown envelope with no return address. It looked like the packaging you’d get when you ordered some discreet, adult item; plain and boring. Rayann admired the crisp, clear writing for a moment before tearing open the flap and pulling out a single, folded sheet of paper.

In the same writing as the envelope were words she’d not soon forget:

three people you know
All standing in my way
so sad they had to go.
The last, saved just for you
for my love will never cease
Here I leave a token of myself
as I bid you rest in peace.”

Choking back a sob, Rayann read the ominous words again in silence, then ran to the safety of her house. Once inside, she picked up the phone and punched in the station’s number hoping Mike was still there.

Lots of people will disagree, but get I say get yourself a copy of "The Elements of Style" by Strunk and White. Clarity is most important when telling a story. Every word should count.

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