The nature of friendship

[Tom Cain]

At 4:33am on May 26th, 2007, Tom Cain said...
Can I just ask a question here people? Call me an old fart who's completely in touch with modern technology, but is friendship on here a two-way street? By which I mean, if I accept someone as a friend of mine, do I become a friend of theirs, too? Or do I have to go down on bended knee and plead to be put on their dance-card?

It's kind of an interesting philosophical point, too ... can you have a one-way friendship? (It's the emotional equivalent of one hand clapping, maybe ...)

[Patti McCoy Jacob]

VERY timely question. I received six "friend" requests over the last couple of days, and when I checked them out, four of them had already agreed to be my friend a while back.

So I guess I would say the request needs to go both ways.

I guess...

[Jordan Dane]

If this is like MySpace, it is a reciprocal post. Are you feeling a little unloved, Tom? At 4:30 in the morning, it's easy to feel that way, dude.

I have to admit, I'm not sure how friendships work here as opposed to MySpace (which I'm more familiar with). The main thing at CS is to participate in the discussions and get to know people through their thoughts and in some cases, their peculiarities.

Don't tell anyone, but there are some damned strange folks here. Shhhh.

[Margot Renne Payne]

That's a good question. I've found there are several people I've accepted as friends on CS, but on here you have to write to connect. So, if neither one of us has done that I would say we are acquaintances.

Out of the people I have on my friend page--or whatever it's called--there are a couple I actually chat and e-mail with on on a regular basis.

It's not like the bar on here is a physical place you can say meet me there in 20 and I'll buy you a beer. And then sit down and have a face-to-face conversation. Hell, I'm sitting here now drinking a Labatt Blue--but I got it out of my refrigerator! I had one earlier too, to toast Jordan Dane on her book deal. That seemed kind of weird, but fun. I was having a beer anyway so I posted a comment on her page. Then we exchanged e-mails.

Also, in the forums there are a couple of people that aren't officially on my friend list, but we comment back and forth on each others blogs. You see a common thread, it triggers a thought, you write something and connect in that way. But, to do that I don't have to add them or have them add me as a friend to their list.

Reading the blogs I realize that some authors do actually know one another because they go to the same conferences, have been on panels together, may have the same publisher, live in the same area--whatever. I think that's great, And, one of these days I may be at a conference and meet up with someone I've been chatting with and gotten to know on-line, or not. I did meet an author on here who lives within a few hours and is coming to our library's first Festival of the Book. But we chatted and e-mailed and I could tell she and her book would be of interest to our patrons. And I felt a connection. A couple of other authors that are on here are also coming--but I had met them before.

I believe it takes two people to form a friendship. I am philosophical about that and I don't think I'm an old fart, although I'm probably older than you. Well, maybe I am an old fart. I am a wary of accepting someone as my friend who has an avatar for their picture and nothing on their page that gives me a clue about who they are. I know nothing about them--so there is no way to connect. I guess it could be Lee Child, Michael Chrichton or someone who wants to disguise themelves--and I could miss out.

I work at a public library, order ficiton, organize our author series and book group. And I read all the time. I write poetry--and have never published anything. The one thing that CS has done for me is given me a glimpse of the writer's (and readers's) life. And it's jump-started my writing so that a piece I put away a few years ago I've started working on again.

Long answer to a short question? Great answer to the wrong question? I had a professor write that on an exam once. Just thought I'd use it.

[Jordan Dane]

Margot--I'm ready for a second Labatt, how 'bout you? I'll buy the second round.

[Margot Renne Payne]

Jordan--I'll buy this round since we're celebrating your book deal. You can buy the 3rd. Guess I should check my refrigerator!

[Jordan Dane]

If we're celebrating my deal, then we're definitely going out and the evening's on ME.

[Donna Moore]

I very seldom ask anyone to be my friend - not because I don't want to, but because I think they might not wish to. I accept almost all friend requests, and very gladly. I think I have declined 3 - and they were all people who weren't really Crimespace people but just wanted to sell me something.

[Don Anderson]

That's my philosophy, too, Donna.

[Pepper Smith]

Goodness. I guess it depends on how you view this whole friending thing. I do tend to look at people's pages before I respond to friend requests, and I also check before sending requests myself. Usually they're people whose posts I've read and who interest me. I have had three requests I'd sent sit unanswered for nearly a month, after which time I withdrew them. Shrug. There are still a bunch of folks here I haven't gotten a chance to check out yet.

I tend to friend people because I want to be able to reach their page without going through the whole member list to find them again. There are some folks I've noticed who friend everyone on the member list the instant they get here, as if they're obsessed with having the complete set. That seems like kind of an odd definition of friend to me, but whatever floats their boat.

[Fleur Bradley]

I was curious, so I checked some people who I've accepted as friends and I show up as theirs, even though I never invited back. So accept a friend, be a friend, I guess.

[Jordan Dane]

I really think it's a timing issue of when both ways get accomplished. The one-way friendship doesn't make sense except if you're Paris Hilton.

[Daniel Hatadi]

Based on lots of discussion of this about two months ago, I added a number of questions/answers to the help page.

The help page is your friend. :)