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I've been querying agents for the last 6-months and have over 50 rejections. I'm not sure if my novel isn't very interesting/sellable or if my query letter is the problem. After reading the archives on your site, I did a total rework and would appreciate any feedback!
Dear QueryShark,
There are stories that never get told, but need to be. TITLE, a 92.000 upmarket women’s historical fiction tells the remarkably true stories of three generations of Italian women as they face World War II, the Fascist Movement, immigration, unexpected pregnancies, and a global pandemic. Challenging societal expectations, they experience the love, loss, and yearning for better that binds us all across generations.
Are you thinking this is a hook?
(it's not)
It's more like the start of a book review.
An effective hook gives us a sense of the problem that drives the book.
Here's the hook for All Roads Lead Me Back to You by Kennedy Foster
Hard-working, no frills Alice Andison barely scrapes by after her father's death when Domingo Rolodan, an undocumented Mexican horse and cattle man, knight in shining saddle, arrives to
not only save her father's legacy but win Alice's heart if he can just steer
clear of the oppressive clutches of the increasingly gestapo-like modern INS.
See the difference?
The characters have an emotional component and we see what problem they face.
Vittoria was born in a small town in Northern Italy in 1914. Growing up in the absolute poverty of a war torn country, she longs for better and isn’t afraid to take on anyone, even Mussolini himself to find it. But challenging societal norms takes unexpected turns and soon she finds herself with the broken promise of a soldier, a growing belly, and no ring.
Anna was born an illegitimate child amidst the height of World War II. Distrustful of men, yet always seeking their attention, she solicits the attention of the boy next door– the one with big dreams, who soon leaves for Canada, asking Anna to join him. She sees a chance for a new land, a new start, a new life. Who needs love when you have an opportunity?
Grace was born the child of immigrants. Trying to make something of herself, she is tired of trying and quitting a million things – including relationships. No sooner does she commit to completing her master’s degree, then she meets Jax, and everything comes together and falls apart. Suddenly, there are too many choices and one big question: How does one define “better”?
You've introduced three characters here, but there's no plot.
Plot isn't what happens. It's not the events of the book.
Plot is choices the characters face and what's at stake with those choices.
You must have plot in a query, even if you're querying a character-driven book.
You also don't tell us how these women are connected. (Are they?)
Three generations makes me think they're related to each other, but that's not obvious from the query.
Also, by introducing all three characters equally, you can't focus on the start of the story.
If the story begins with Vittoria, let's give her more page time. If the story starts with one of the other two, lead with her, give her more page time.
You have a limited amount of space here to engage your reader. Focus on how the story starts.
Vittoria (or whomever) wants to (what?)
BUT, (problem) prevents her.
Now she must (choose a path.)
Get that on the page first.
Then show how the characters are linked.
You do NOT need the details of Anna and Grace, unless one of them is the main character, not Vittoria.
TITLE would be the love child of
Resist the urge to be clever with comps.
Just say your book will appeal to readers who liked:
Sisters in Arms by Kaia Alderson,
Untamed by Glennon Doyle,
This is a memoir. Don't use NF as a comp for a novel, even historical fiction.
What We Carry: A Memoir by Maya Shanbhag Lang,
also a memoir
and The Nightingale by Kristin Hannah.
This was pubbed in 2017 so it's too old to be an effective comp.
If you take a look at the Amazon description of Sisters in Arms by Kaia Alderson, you'll see there is conflict and tension (which is what you need in the query)
Grace Steele and Eliza Jones may be from completely different backgrounds, but when it comes to the army, specifically the Women’s Army Auxiliary Corps (WAAC), they are both starting from the same level. Not only will they be among the first class of female officers the army has even seen, they are also the first Black women allowed to serve.
As these courageous women help to form the 6888th Central Postal Directory Battalion, they are dealing with more than just army bureaucracy—everyone is determined to see this experiment fail. For two northern women, learning to navigate their way through the segregated army may be tougher than boot camp. Grace and Eliza know that there is no room for error; they must be more perfect than everyone else.
When they finally make it overseas, to England and then France, Grace and Eliza will at last be able to do their parts for the country they love, whatever the risk to themselves.
A melding of immigration, identity,
I have my master’s in English with an emphasis in Technical Writing, and currently work as a content creator and SEO specialist. When I’m not working or writing you can find me reading a million children’s books to my one and two year old sons (or removing whatever object they’ve found to turn into a sword). I’m passionate about telling untold stories in literature, the stories that make us feel like we aren’t alone.
[INSERT PERSONAL DETAIL].
I am querying you because (whatever).
Thank you for your time and consideration of my submission.
Best regards,
You only need one closing.
Cleansing Eden - The Celebrity Murders available for Kindle and in print exclusively through Amazon here.
“Cleansing Eden is a highly suspenseful read. Benjamin Sobieck has an inventive way with words. He writes with a voice that's strong and uniquely his.” – Debbi Mack, New York Times bestselling author of the Sam McRae series
“Cleansing Eden by Benjamin Sobieck is a gripping story about individuals who give up more and more of themselves over time, becoming the things they hate.” – Michelle Peden Vasquez, Life in Review
“Benjamin Sobieck has got mad skills when it comes to taking complex characters, fantastic crime, murder, drugs, and good vs. evil, rolling them up into one and spitting out a novel that will twist and grip you from beginning to end.” – Molly Edwards, Reviews by Molly
“Drugs. Murder. Charismatic demagogues. What else does a reader need? Ben Sobieck's first book, and a damn good one. He's going to write more. And they will be just as great to read.” – B.R. Stateham, crime author
It's time for brain-dead celebrities to get what they deserve.
After recruiting a drug-addled street rat to do his bidding, an eccentric inventor of designer drugs launches a campaign of violence and manipulation to cleanse the world of impure celebrities.
But as the street rat wakes up to what's really going on, he's not liking what he sees. He's torn between getting sober and the drug-fueled haze that keeps him killing celebrities.
As the body count rises, a decision needs to be made. Either way, someone's going to die.
* Includes bonus short story
Posted on August 27, 2013 at 12:30am
Posted on December 13, 2012 at 11:26pm — 4 Comments
Posted on December 5, 2012 at 12:56am
Posted on November 22, 2012 at 6:21am
Posted on November 8, 2012 at 11:00pm
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Hi Benjamin, the discussion on the forum about social commentary in crime fiction has gotten quite a lot of responses. This has inspired us at Noir Nation to add a new section to the first issue of Noir Nation wherein writers opine on the following question: Must crime noir have a moral point? The word limit is 300 to 500 words. Include short bio, and photo. There is a $25 honoraria, payable on publication. Best five get published in Issue No. 1. Send to eddie@evegaonline.com
Hi Ben, Would love to submit to your blog (great blog by the way :). Let me know which ones. I have some others I'm working on about fingerprints too. -Jen (contact: jchase2000@aol.com)
Read all about Goofus's drift to the dark side in 'Always the bad example.'
You wrote, "I asked a retired newspaper reporter (no, they don't all fall off the wagon before 40) how long articles should be. He answered, "Until it's done.""
"Until it's done" or "As many as it takes" used to be the word count for news stories. These days, what with short reader attention spans and the high cost of newsprint, short is in. Editors at the paper I used to work for generally liked a story to be between 8 and 14 inches ... unless it's a juicy one.
As far as books go, take a look at the links that I posted in your thread. I think those will be good guidelines for all of us. At least that's what this unpublished writer is shooting for. :-)
BTW ... I'm jealous of that $42.71 401k you've got going there. I think mine has $22.50. On the up side, being much older than you means I don't need to make mine last as long. :-)
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