Are you a Serial Killer?
First of all, if you've come to this site looking for real answers, consider yourself a CERTIFIABLE FREAK and suspense author Jordan Dane is looking for YOU. Research is a critical aspect of writing and an author can never have too many good resources when it comes to the whimsical world of murder and mayhem.
If you've come because you think this blog has the potential for good humor, AGAIN consider yourself a CERTIFIABLE FREAK and someone who's earned their place as one of JD's special friends.
Either way, take out your sharpest #2 pencil and play along. Answer the questions below. You've got five minutes and the clock starts……NOW!
1.) How many people have you killed in the last week?
- None, unless you count cute furry animals with big trusting eyes—in that case, three. (1 pt—Shame on you.)
- None, unless you count hookers and homeless street people—in that case, two. (5 pts—You are really lame. What did these poor people ever do to you?)
- Twenty-one, unless foreigners count—in which case, twenty-five. (7 pts—You should be writing your own book. Memoirs are hot. I'll put you in touch with my agent.)
- I plead the fifth and have the right to remain silent, so piss off. (3 pts—You may have the right to remain silent, but do you have the ability?)
2.) What do you usually wake up wearing?
- PJs with footies plastered with pastel bunnies that make me look like a real schmuck. (0 pts—Man, what a loser!)
- Blood on my chest, face, and hands plus the bloody scalp of a blond cheerleader. (10 pts—Now we're talking.)
- Nothing but bunny ears and tin foil on my head. (-5 and I feel real sorry for you.)
- Again, I'm taking the fifth. Are you some kind of friggin' IDIOT??? (3 pts—Temper, temper…tsk tsk tsk. What? Did you go to the Michael Richards School of Anger Management?)
3.) What best describes your significant other?
- Average height, nice hair, and anatomically correct. (1 pt—You really need a life.)
- What? I never touched that person, officer. He/She told me they were over 16. It was an accident. (5 pts—Pervert!!)
- Very stiff and strangely unresponsive…plus, they're beginning to smell. (10 pts—You've earned your own category with this one.)
- You must be a MORON. Leave me alone. I know where you live. (5 pts—Seek help.)
4.) How's your mother these days?
- I talked to her just this week. Thanks for asking. She's got irritable bowel syndrome, but otherwise, she's peachy. (0 pts—Send my sympathies to your Mom for raising such a dweeb.)
- Mother? What mother? I never had one. She left me to be raised by wolves when I was a young pup. She always liked my brother best. It was an accident, I swear—she fell down those stairs. (5 pts—You're not smart enough to live.)
- My Mom? Which one? (10 pts—Kudos for being creative.)
- That's it!!! I'm coming to find you and your first born child, you waste of skin. I HATE YOU!!! (5 pts—Seriously, you need therapy.)
5.) Where were you last Tuesday?
- I was asleep. Wait, what time did you say? (1 pt—Go back to sleep.)
- Er…what he said. (0 pts—If Darwin was right, we should take you out of the gene pool…NOW!)
- Why? Was it wrong to gun down all those people, detective? Yes, I really want to know. (10 pts—What do you think life is—a video game?)
- I'm walking up behind you…NO, DON'T LOOK!!! (20 pts—Okay, you might be the real deal. You're growing on me.)
- If you got a score below ZERO, you may not be a serial killer, but you've got nothing to be proud of. No one likes you.
- If you scored between ZERO and 15, you may not be normal, but at least you're not a geek like the last loser.
- If you scored higher than 15, CONGRATULATIONS!! You're a fringe dweller on the outskirts of humanity—with good reason. Please send an email to Jordan Dane and identify yourself immediately. You've got a future in the world of fiction.