Ah, How Times Change
A while ago, a friend sent me an extract from a 1960s Home Economics Textbook about what to do when hubby comes home from work. All the men I showed it to looked wistful, all the women just laughed. So I updated it for the 21st century, so here's the original and my updated version.
THE ORIGINAL
Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return home from work. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs.
Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed. Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives.
Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.. Gather up school books, toys, papers, etc and then run a dust cloth over the tables. Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare a light fire for him to unwind by.
Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
Minimise all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him. Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not he time. Let him talk first, remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours. Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.
Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquillity where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit. Don’t greet him with complaints and problems. Don’t complain if he is late home for dinner, or even stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.
Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange the pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice. Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness.
DONNA'S YEAR 2007 VERSION.
This is the updated version of what to do when your man comes home from work, but only if you've got the time and the energy of course.
Oh shit, what about dinner? Well, if you'd really been thinking ahead, you could have opened the freezer the night before to see if that 3 year old pizza was still there. If it's not, and if you can be bothered, nip down to Safeways and get one of those Indian Feast for Two things. If not, don't worry, just get his credit card and call the local takeaway. Remember to order extra popadums. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs.
Prepare yourself for his arrival. Have a long lie in, get up about 1 o'clock to watch Oprah. Then have an afternoon nap so you'll be refreshed when he arrives.
Pull on some leggings and put your hair back in a scrunchie. Don't worry about brushing your teeth, you're having a curry anyway. He's probably going to rant on about his boring day of hard work so make sure you're in 'tune-out' mode. Bung his dirty washing on the kitchen floor for him to wash later. Do a little light dusting so that he doesn't think you've been doing bugger all all day (especially remember the television screen on which he wrote the message 'Clean Me you lazy cow' three weeks ago). Get one of the children to clean up that cat sick that you've all been walking around. Pull up your chair closer to the fire and relax, you've done enough.
If he walks into a madhouse, it's not your fault, and make sure he bloody knows it. If he doesn't like it, he should get off his arse and do some housework himself for a change.
Make sure you have the TV up loud enough to drown out the noise of next door’s stereo and the kids screaming. If he comes in during Neighbours just ignore him, he should know better. He could use this opportunity to make you a cup of tea. After Neighbours drag him away from The Sun to tell him what a crap day you've had. He really needs to know that you're suffering from PMT as this will be the excuse you use later if you feel the need to punch him.
Remember, if you let him get a word in edgeways he'll just go on about his boring work and his pain in the arse colleagues. The evening is yours, you've been sitting at home all day with no-one over the age of 5 to talk to. If he's late home, make sure you find out exactly where he's been and who with. Tell him you cooked something nice for dinner (only you will know that's a complete lie) and it was ruined. If he says he's going down the pub with the lads, this is the time to really take a flaky. You could either go through the old routine of he never takes you anywhere blah, blah, blah but this could have the wrong effect of him caving in and saying you should go down the pub too. What your real aim is here is to go out with the girls and leave him to look after the kids so make sure you phrase your rant carefully. Tell him he doesn't understand you and storm out of the room.
Your goal: to make him realise that you're the one with the power in this house pal, you've been stuck here all day and if you want to retire for a hot bath with a bottle of red wine and a box of chocolates then you will, and he can look after the kids and do the washing up. And, by the way, if he should ever dream of staying out all night tell all your friends he's having an affair, change the locks, rip the sleeves off his favourite t-shirts and tape over all his football videos. Fill his after shave bottles with cat pee if you really think he's playing around.
Make yourself comfortable. Sit back and relax with your feet up and a glass of wine by your side. If he tries to get comfy with you and wants to watch the footie tell him all the things that need doing and to get his bloody shoes off of your lovely clean carpet. You don't spend all day toiling like a slave for the good of your health you know.
Make sure you disagree with everything he says, men like a challenge. If he starts to win an argument just tell him he's talking crap and turn the tv up. Don't be logical, this is what he wants you to be. Remember, he's a man, that means he's genetically programmed to be a liar with absolutely no integrity whatsoever. If all else fails, tell him if he doesn't buck his ideas up, he's not going to get his leg over.
THE ORIGINAL
Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return home from work. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs.
Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed. Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives.
Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.. Gather up school books, toys, papers, etc and then run a dust cloth over the tables. Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare a light fire for him to unwind by.
Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
Minimise all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him. Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not he time. Let him talk first, remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours. Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.
Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquillity where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit. Don’t greet him with complaints and problems. Don’t complain if he is late home for dinner, or even stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.
Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange the pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice. Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness.
DONNA'S YEAR 2007 VERSION.
This is the updated version of what to do when your man comes home from work, but only if you've got the time and the energy of course.
Oh shit, what about dinner? Well, if you'd really been thinking ahead, you could have opened the freezer the night before to see if that 3 year old pizza was still there. If it's not, and if you can be bothered, nip down to Safeways and get one of those Indian Feast for Two things. If not, don't worry, just get his credit card and call the local takeaway. Remember to order extra popadums. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs.
Prepare yourself for his arrival. Have a long lie in, get up about 1 o'clock to watch Oprah. Then have an afternoon nap so you'll be refreshed when he arrives.
Pull on some leggings and put your hair back in a scrunchie. Don't worry about brushing your teeth, you're having a curry anyway. He's probably going to rant on about his boring day of hard work so make sure you're in 'tune-out' mode. Bung his dirty washing on the kitchen floor for him to wash later. Do a little light dusting so that he doesn't think you've been doing bugger all all day (especially remember the television screen on which he wrote the message 'Clean Me you lazy cow' three weeks ago). Get one of the children to clean up that cat sick that you've all been walking around. Pull up your chair closer to the fire and relax, you've done enough.
If he walks into a madhouse, it's not your fault, and make sure he bloody knows it. If he doesn't like it, he should get off his arse and do some housework himself for a change.
Make sure you have the TV up loud enough to drown out the noise of next door’s stereo and the kids screaming. If he comes in during Neighbours just ignore him, he should know better. He could use this opportunity to make you a cup of tea. After Neighbours drag him away from The Sun to tell him what a crap day you've had. He really needs to know that you're suffering from PMT as this will be the excuse you use later if you feel the need to punch him.
Remember, if you let him get a word in edgeways he'll just go on about his boring work and his pain in the arse colleagues. The evening is yours, you've been sitting at home all day with no-one over the age of 5 to talk to. If he's late home, make sure you find out exactly where he's been and who with. Tell him you cooked something nice for dinner (only you will know that's a complete lie) and it was ruined. If he says he's going down the pub with the lads, this is the time to really take a flaky. You could either go through the old routine of he never takes you anywhere blah, blah, blah but this could have the wrong effect of him caving in and saying you should go down the pub too. What your real aim is here is to go out with the girls and leave him to look after the kids so make sure you phrase your rant carefully. Tell him he doesn't understand you and storm out of the room.
Your goal: to make him realise that you're the one with the power in this house pal, you've been stuck here all day and if you want to retire for a hot bath with a bottle of red wine and a box of chocolates then you will, and he can look after the kids and do the washing up. And, by the way, if he should ever dream of staying out all night tell all your friends he's having an affair, change the locks, rip the sleeves off his favourite t-shirts and tape over all his football videos. Fill his after shave bottles with cat pee if you really think he's playing around.
Make yourself comfortable. Sit back and relax with your feet up and a glass of wine by your side. If he tries to get comfy with you and wants to watch the footie tell him all the things that need doing and to get his bloody shoes off of your lovely clean carpet. You don't spend all day toiling like a slave for the good of your health you know.
Make sure you disagree with everything he says, men like a challenge. If he starts to win an argument just tell him he's talking crap and turn the tv up. Don't be logical, this is what he wants you to be. Remember, he's a man, that means he's genetically programmed to be a liar with absolutely no integrity whatsoever. If all else fails, tell him if he doesn't buck his ideas up, he's not going to get his leg over.
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Comment
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Comment by Julie Morrigan on June 19, 2007 at 4:29am
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Lol - your version's more like it, Donna! Besides, the selfish git never put a ribbon in his hair for me when I was working and he was dossing round the house all day!
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