Page One: Looking for Some Honest Feedback
We all know how important that initial hook is. It's also true that almost anyone can write one compelling page, and that the true test of a book's merit lies in the 300 or so pages that follow.
But let's say you're in a book store. You see an intriguing title, and the book has an attractive cover. You open to page one, and read this:
Amstel Blake has a gun.
Downtown, the streetlights are humming. Fog rolls in from the river, covering Jacksonville like a shroud.
At the corner of 8th and Jefferson, not far from the hospital, Amstel spots a car. Toyota Corolla waiting to turn left. He runs to the passenger’s side, tries the handle first, taps on the window and shouts, “Open the door. Now.”
Woman in her mid twenties. Death grip on the steering wheel, eyes bulging, mouth in the shape of an O.
Amstel feels a pulse in his teeth. “I swear to God, I will kill you.”
The lock pops.
Amstel climbs in, aims the gun at her head. “Drive. Make a U-turn, back toward the interstate. Not too fast, not too slow.”
The woman misses second gear, finally grinds it home.
“What do you want? Why are you doing this?” Black rivers of mascara trickle down her freckled cheeks.
“We’re going to save the world,” Amstel says. “Just you and me.”
End of page one.
Would you want to read on? The scene ends there, btw, and the rest of the book is in past tense.
But let's say you're in a book store. You see an intriguing title, and the book has an attractive cover. You open to page one, and read this:
Amstel Blake has a gun.
Downtown, the streetlights are humming. Fog rolls in from the river, covering Jacksonville like a shroud.
At the corner of 8th and Jefferson, not far from the hospital, Amstel spots a car. Toyota Corolla waiting to turn left. He runs to the passenger’s side, tries the handle first, taps on the window and shouts, “Open the door. Now.”
Woman in her mid twenties. Death grip on the steering wheel, eyes bulging, mouth in the shape of an O.
Amstel feels a pulse in his teeth. “I swear to God, I will kill you.”
The lock pops.
Amstel climbs in, aims the gun at her head. “Drive. Make a U-turn, back toward the interstate. Not too fast, not too slow.”
The woman misses second gear, finally grinds it home.
“What do you want? Why are you doing this?” Black rivers of mascara trickle down her freckled cheeks.
“We’re going to save the world,” Amstel says. “Just you and me.”
End of page one.
Would you want to read on? The scene ends there, btw, and the rest of the book is in past tense.
Views: 14
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Jude Hardin on
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Nice critique, John. Very thorough.
I grew up in Louisville, btw. I still love Kentucky.
Anyone else want to take a stab at the problems here?
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Permalink Reply by Anne Frasier on
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Amstel Blake has a gun.
I like that there's no coy reference to the gun, but this line seems disconnected to me.
Downtown, the streetlights are humming. Fog rolls in from the river, covering Jacksonville like a shroud.
this gives me a feeling of time passing -- not sure that's what you're after.
this is where it seems to start:
At the corner of 8th and Jefferson, not far from the hospital, Amstel spots a car. Toyota Corolla waiting to turn left. He runs to the passenger’s side, tries the handle first, taps on the window and shouts, “Open the door. Now.”
Woman in her mid twenties. Death grip on the steering wheel, eyes bulging, mouth in the shape of an O.
Amstel feels a pulse in his teeth. “I swear to God, I will kill you.”
The lock pops.
Amstel climbs in, aims the gun at her head. “Drive. Make a U-turn, back toward the interstate. Not too fast, not too slow.”
The woman misses second gear, finally grinds it home.
“What do you want? Why are you doing this?” Black rivers of mascara trickle down her freckled cheeks.
“We’re going to save the world,” Amstel says. “Just you and me.”
i like the rest of this. i feel the first 3 sentences need work. i think maybe you're worrying too much about a first-line hook.
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Permalink Reply by Pepper Smith on
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Okay, if that was all I was given, I probably wouldn't ask to see more of it. A major part of that, though, is that I don't care much at all for present tense.
This just feels very choppy to me. Everything is so quick--bang, bang, bang!--that there's not enough detail to pull me in. And as mentioned already, a lot of what's there is cliche. The pulse in the teeth is an interesting detail. There needs to be more like that, more sensory detail that grounds it and gives it a sense of immediacy.
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Thanks Pepper and Anne! I'm going to post a rewrite later with all these comments in mind. Appreciate the input!!!
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Permalink Reply by Eric Christopherson on
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Turn-ons: The hook at the end. The "save the world" line definitely makes me want to know about the motivation behind this car-jacking.
Turn-offs: The character's name is too cute for me by half (and suddenly I'm thirsty for a beer hours before it's generally deemed appropriate to imbibe). Also, the description could stand to be more original here and there. I don't know how many times I've read the fog/shroud simile--but we're talking double digits for sure--and the woman's initial fear reaction could be more vivid and original, methinks.
Would I want to read on? I would almost have to, given the hook at the end, but before making a purchase I'd read some more, watching especially to see if the description improved and if the voice resonated with me. The book jacket description would of course be another key factor.
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Thanks, Eric!
Was anyone else bothered by the character's name?
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Cool, John. I like it too.
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