Funniest line in crime?

[Daniel Hatadi]

Crime fiction's generally pretty serious business, but life isn't always about being serious. While watching the last episode of season three of The Wire, I heard a line that had me rolling on the floor. I won't go into the details of it because I don't want to spoil it, but it went like this:

"I can't wait to go to jail."

Anyone have any other lines like this to share?

[Mari Sloan]

A PHOTOGRAPH of Jesus? That's hysterical! No, I don't think you have to be there.

[Naomi Johnson]

A couple of lines from 'Casablanca' (well, crime occurs in the film, so I figure it counts) always crack me up. One is when Rick tells Ilsa, "I wouldn't bring up Paris, it's poor salesmanship." And the other line is when the Nazi officer asks Rick his nationality, Rick replies, "I'm a drunkard."

[Eric Christopherson]

So many funny lines in that movie. Hard to choose a favorite but here goes:

Bogart: "And remember, this gun is pointed right at your heart."
Louie: "That is my least vulnerable spot."

[Daniel Hatadi]

Damn it, you're making me want to watch it again.

I guess there's nothing wrong with that.

[Grant McKenzie]

Life on Mars' Gene Hunt:
"You're surrounded by armed bastards!"
Love it.

[Julie Lewthwaite]

From Al Guthrie's HARD MAN: 'Jesus wept, but he was a tough wee fucker.' Works for me! (Then there are the pussy snorkels...)

[Elizabeth Zelvin]

So much depends on context. Here's a passage from Chapter One of Ken Bruen's new one, Cross, that I read aloud to my Irish American husband, who snorted loudly, and he doesn't even read crime fiction:

There are many crimes in the Irish lexicon...but here were nigh on unforgivable. Topping the list are:
Silence or reticence. You've got to be able to chat, preferably incessantly. Making sense isn't even part of the equation.
Not buying a round. You might think no one notices, but they do.
Having notions, ideas above your imagined station.
Neglecting the grave of your family.
There are others, such as having a posh accent, disliking hurling, watching BBC, but they are the second division. There's a way back from them, but the first division, you are fucked.

[I. J. Parker]

Ah, yes. That's one of the reasons I like Ken Bruen so much. Great characterization and an absolute understanding of his culture. (Oh, and it's funny, too -- in that very nice way of being able to laugh at yourself).

[J.D. Rhoades]

Only real one-liner I can think of is from one of Lawrence Block's Scudder novels: "Just because you give me a hard-on doesn' t mean you can lead me around by it."

[John McFetridge]

Hey, J.D., I remember when you quoted that line on the panel at Madison. I've been telling everybody it's yours. I think I'll keep telling people that, you delivered it so well.

Will you be in Baltimore this year?

[J.D. Rhoades]

I will. Wouldn't miss this one for the world.

[Sandra Ruttan]

There is a great line in Craig McDonald's HEAD GAMES - I don't have a copy right in front of me, but it's something to the effect of:

Christ, the luck of the Irish: all this getting fucked but never off.

Uh, where's Craig when I need him to set my bad memory straight? Gave me quite a laugh, though.