Funniest line in crime?

[Daniel Hatadi]

Crime fiction's generally pretty serious business, but life isn't always about being serious. While watching the last episode of season three of The Wire, I heard a line that had me rolling on the floor. I won't go into the details of it because I don't want to spoil it, but it went like this:

"I can't wait to go to jail."

Anyone have any other lines like this to share?

[Mari Sloan]

A PHOTOGRAPH of Jesus? That's hysterical! No, I don't think you have to be there.

[Eric Christopherson]

So many funny lines in that movie. Hard to choose a favorite but here goes:

Bogart: "And remember, this gun is pointed right at your heart."
Louie: "That is my least vulnerable spot."

[Daniel Hatadi]

Damn it, you're making me want to watch it again.

I guess there's nothing wrong with that.

[Grant McKenzie]

Life on Mars' Gene Hunt:
"You're surrounded by armed bastards!"
Love it.

[Julie Morrigan]

From Al Guthrie's HARD MAN: 'Jesus wept, but he was a tough wee fucker.' Works for me! (Then there are the pussy snorkels...)

[Elizabeth Zelvin]

So much depends on context. Here's a passage from Chapter One of Ken Bruen's new one, Cross, that I read aloud to my Irish American husband, who snorted loudly, and he doesn't even read crime fiction:

There are many crimes in the Irish lexicon...but here were nigh on unforgivable. Topping the list are:
Silence or reticence. You've got to be able to chat, preferably incessantly. Making sense isn't even part of the equation.
Not buying a round. You might think no one notices, but they do.
Having notions, ideas above your imagined station.
Neglecting the grave of your family.
There are others, such as having a posh accent, disliking hurling, watching BBC, but they are the second division. There's a way back from them, but the first division, you are fucked.

[I. J. Parker]

Ah, yes. That's one of the reasons I like Ken Bruen so much. Great characterization and an absolute understanding of his culture. (Oh, and it's funny, too -- in that very nice way of being able to laugh at yourself).

[J.D. Rhoades]

Only real one-liner I can think of is from one of Lawrence Block's Scudder novels: "Just because you give me a hard-on doesn' t mean you can lead me around by it."

[John McFetridge]

Hey, J.D., I remember when you quoted that line on the panel at Madison. I've been telling everybody it's yours. I think I'll keep telling people that, you delivered it so well.

Will you be in Baltimore this year?

[J.D. Rhoades]

I will. Wouldn't miss this one for the world.

[Sandra Ruttan]

There is a great line in Craig McDonald's HEAD GAMES - I don't have a copy right in front of me, but it's something to the effect of:

Christ, the luck of the Irish: all this getting fucked but never off.

Uh, where's Craig when I need him to set my bad memory straight? Gave me quite a laugh, though.

[Graham Powell]

From Pulp Fiction, I always liked, "Would you give a man a foot massage?" You kinda have to hear it in context, though.