If he can sing, Robby Coltrane (another wee Scot). If Robby can't sing, then it's Meat Loaf . . . but my voice is lower. And I don't sweat quite that Biblically.
No, actually, there's little to no physical resemblance between me and Humphrey Bogart. When I was young and very skinny people said I resembled David Bowie. Since I've gotten thicker it's Tim Robbins (partly because we have the same haircut).
I would have my life as animated feature. The entire thing would be drawn in the style, or by, Ralph Steadman. It would be Steadman circa 2009, though, not 1971. Forget the audience. It makes sense to me. This is a vanity project after all.