Itotallysuckitis

[Christa M. Miller]

Props to Alison Gaylin for coming up with a name for this affliction. It works.

It's reared its head a couple of times over the last few months, while I revise my novel yet again. Is especially acute when I read about people I know whose novels or short stories are nominated for some award or, heck, published. I know the only way to do anything about it - at least in this case - is to get a few critiquers on board to work with me, and to keep working on myself. And yet: I totally suck.

Don't mind me. This is just something I have to get through. Self-discipline, and all that. Anyone else?

[Patricia Abbott]

I hate especially hate it when what I wrote yesterday seems awful, disgustingly bad today. At least give me a few days to think I don't have "itotallysuckitis."

[Alison Gaylin]

Christa, obviously, I know how you feel. And I'm sure your writing does not suck even the tiniest bit. But on the plus side, Itotallysuckitis can be a healthy affliction. If we're our own worst critics, then everyone else seems so kind by comparison...

[Mary L. Wheeling]

Christa, hang in there. I still think the only book I've ever had published totally sucks, and it was nominated for several awards. (But won none.) So that feeling, for me, anyway, never really goes away. I hope the opposite is true for you, though.

That was a cheerful response to your post, wasn't it? Sigh.

[Christa M. Miller]

Thank you so, so much everyone. Part of my problem is that I've worked on it for too long and so am way too close to it - every time I revise it I think I've improved it, then I go back and realize how very much it sucks! But I have seen the same complaint from authors about galley proofs and even finished products, so that adds an extra layer of confusion, you know? Like I just have no idea if this should be my journeyman novel or not. Ugh.

By the way, I hope it doesn't seem like I'm less than thrilled for my friends who get published/nominated. I am so happy for them, of course! They give me something to aspire to. I just wish I were already there!

[Julie Morrigan]

Not just me, then! I read other people's stuff and it's so confident, polished and accomplished and I wonder who the hell I'm trying to kid. Then I get a decent review or a wee story accepted, and I feel a little better for a while. Once or twice I've come across something that I had forgotten I'd written and grinned like a loon because it was indisputably my voice and it was canny good. Or at least I thought it was...

[Angie]

Um, all the time. It passes, but it does suck while you're in it. Totally. Sucks.

I've learned that the more I beat myself up, the longer it takes to come back out of it. So give yourself props for being in there swinging. 'Cause that's what counts. If you're not making mistakes, you're not learning. Of course, I should be a freaking genius by now...

[Laura Benedict]

Hey, Christa. Hang in there. Love it like it's your red-headed step-child for awhile--only because you have to. Soon it will again be your adored one!

[Robert Gregory Browne]

I've always thought I'd rather have Itotallysuckitis than Youtotallysuckdonkeysballs, because at least I have control over the first one. I can't, unfortunately, control what anyone else thinks of my work...

[Stephen Blackmoore]

I don't think there's a person on the planet that doesn't get this to some degree. And I would be mighty scared of the person who has never had some self doubt. We go through cycles. I'm god, I'm wormshit, I'm god, I'm wormshit.

I ran into this this weekend while reading Anthony Neil Smith's "The Drummer". The man is good. I read that and I wonder what the hell do I think I'm doing? My characters are shallow, insipid and two dimensional. My dialog is empty and composed of nothing bu one-liners and "Well, as you know bob," moments of explanation.

That's when I double my dosage. Wait, no that's different.

I try to keep in mind that the mood is temporary and that, when it comes down to it, it doesn't matter. Maybe I do suck. Maybe I should be relegated to the heaps of people who should never go near a keyboard or a pen and paper. So what? My writing's either worth reading and will entertain somebody, or I get to throw a big fat fuck you to the world. Either way, I win.